Life Change, Heart Change

As James and I prepare for this exciting new stage of life, it has caused me to become reflective. I have become acutely aware of things I hadn't bothered to observe before now, and in some cases, things I've tried very hard to ignore. I think about what kind of a parent I want to be and what it will look like. I wonder how to raise our son to be a strong, confident, loving, and compassionate individual. It has occurred to me time and time again that unless both James and  I display such attributes it will be a challenge to effectively instill these in him.

I admire my husband so much and think he dynamically displays strength, confidence, love and compassion daily. He generously cares for me and others. I know James would likely say he still has room for growth, but I think he is off to a wonderful start.

I, on the other hand, struggle to display these. I desire to be strong. I desire to be confident. I desire to be loving and compassionate. I trust God knows my heart and hears me when I ask Him to show me how. But it is no easy feat and I will need His grace to get me there. You see, my strength is fickle. I harbor a great deal of self doubt. My confidence is easily shaken due to said doubt and the tendency to look for my confidence in fleeting things. My love is easily tested. I can love the lovable with great fervor and wild extravagance. I, shamefully, struggle to love when it becomes difficult. I am compassionate. Praise God, He gave me a tender heart. I want to work on demonstrating that compassion more freely.

I feel I have so many things to accomplish before I meet my son. It is overwhelming, and yet, I am reminded that God doesn't put anything before me that I am not capable of doing, by His grace.  I believe the things I desire to model are things God desires me to be, as well. He's calling me out to be more. I'm excited about it. Nervous, but so excited!

One step I have taken is to begin to address my insecurities. They are many, and as time progresses I'm finding they run deeper than I'd ever have imagined. The best way I know to confront these is to head directly to the word of God. His Word is truth. It is powerful and healing. I also look to the wisdom of others. I am currently reading Beth Moore's, So Long Insecurity.  I'm thankful for others that God speaks to and through. I'll be excited to share as God illuminates truth in my life.

Snips, Snails, and Puppy Dog Tails

I was awake nearly all night. It's hard to sleep when you know something big is supposed to take place the next morning. That, and our house was being pelted with freezing rain. It was this combination that caused great uncertainty. I was unsure if the doctor's office would still be open the next day after one of the largest storms of the year. Much to my surprise, when I awoke the next morning,  I called the office to find out they were OPEN! Today was going to be the day!! James and I would get to see a long awaited glimpse of our tiny little baby. I think I was bouncing off the walls while I quickly dressed and downed several ounces of water. James, while excited, was very sleepy because I had been tossing and turning all night.

We set out early just in case the roads were bad. We were thankful they weren't. We then waited to be called back for our appointment. It took a very long time. I think they were short on technicians due to the inclement weather. Finally we were led back to the same dark exam room. It wasn't long before we were watching a bouncing baby kicking all around. I was amazed at how busy our baby was since I can not yet really feel anything consistently. We saw all the major organs and were so glad to hear all looked normal. The technician then moved down to the baby's legs. They were still fluttering about. She then paused the pictures to asked us what we thought. I was nearly certain of what I was seeing, but not sure. I then asked, "Are we having a boy?" Sure enough, we were watching our baby boy. James lit up. I've rarely seen him beam so brightly.  From that moment on it was talk of names, college funds, you name it, James was thinking about it.

It's amazing how knowing the sex of the baby seems to make it even more real. All the dreams we have for our child take on new life. We can't wait to meet this little boy and get to know him.

Baby Boy Peppers

We're having a baby boy!!!