I have a bee in my bonnet! I feel my rights have been trampled upon and I am in such a tizzy I could just spit- or say very obscene words- or plot the sweetest of revenge- or all three! Ahhh! Does this ever happen to you? Do you ever find that others don't regard your rights as quite as sacred as their own? Or do you know people who seem to insert themselves into your life and turn a situation that was supposed to be all about you into something all about them...?
As a Christian, I have freedom. Freedom in Christ. It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. All things are permissible, but not all things are beneficial.
As an American, I have rights. The right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, freedom of speech, the right to keep and bear arms, the list goes on... Some politicians say I have the right to health care, education, home ownership... Politics aside, it sure would seem that I have a lot coming to me. My sense of entitlement runs deep. I fully confess and admit this. But how can I, as a Christian, reconcile these "rights" to Christ? Can I?
The recent infractions of justice which have me so riled up have nothing to do with the government, little to do with concrete delineations and written law, and so much to do with my personal perception of my rights and our cultures perception of personal freedoms and rights.
These infractions can happen anywhere. You can be standing in line at the grocery store and a stranger knowingly and willing cuts in front of you. I frequently would like to take out my badge and perform a citizen's arrest as they have broken the law of decorum and decency. You could be out working in your yard and the neighbor's dog decides nature is calling in your rose shrub as your neighbor stands idly by and lets you deal with the mess. You could be excited about enjoying that last piece of cake only to find your husband has eaten it that morning for breakfast. No matter where you go, who you are, people are constantly challenging your idea of what is right- taking what belongs to you. I think it's part of the human condition.
I acknowledge this is part of life. I find it much easier to deal with the stranger at the grocery store than the man in my house eating my cake. The closer I walk in relationship with others, the more I believe they desire to respect me and honor me- as the closer I walk in relationship with others the more care I use to show them love and respect.
However, this is frequently not the case. The closer we feel to others, the more liberty we feel to take what it is we see as ours- knowing they love us and will ultimately forgive us. I find the closer we are the more willing we are to be unkind- under the guise of being truthful, because that's what loved ones do- share the truth. The closer we walk in relationship with others, the more freedom we feel to share our opinion, the less inclined we are to hold our tongue, even if it is hurtful and less than edifying.
I argue, we are free to do such things. But at what cost? The deep ugly monster inside me wants to do just the same. And sadly does, to a certain extent. Ashamedly, I admit to planning some pretty sick plots to stick it to the other person- prove my point- assert my rights. I have also been known to be brutally honest in instances where support, love and edification were deeply needed.
I struggle with this nastiness, some days more than others. I find the ones I love bring it out of me the very most. I know it's a response to a hurt I feel- the perceived injustice- but it certainly doesn't make it right.
I've sought wisdom from peers and close family outside of present situations. I pray for wisdom. I pray God will change my heart. I pray that others' hearts will change, too, but the only response I have true control over is my own.
Worldly wisdom would be to assert myself- my rights, stick to my guns. Not to give an inch or else expect to be run over in the future- to look out for my own interests because others are sure as heck not seeing to my needs first. Some worldly wisdom would even say "turn about is fair play."
I don't want to conform to worldly wisdom, as incredibly appealing as it sounds to my inner monster. I want to be transformed by Christ. I truly want to be different. (Though all internal indications scream that I am the very same- my only hope to be any different falls on grace!) I want others to encounter love when they encounter me. I want others to see hope- to see Christ.
The only response for me then is to choose to lay down these perceived rights. I feel, after prayer, that is wisdom in my present state of distress. I serve a God who sees, who loves me and who deeply loves those who I find conflict with. I hope my actions reflect His deep, abiding love. I desire peace in these stormy situations. (Storms the other parties likely don't know exist.) I'm not above confrontation, but in particular circumstances, I believe it would not be received in love, or confrontation hasn't served much progress. The resounding still, small voice urges me to surrender. I find peace in this place of submission, not to others and their demands, but to an amazing God.
I reflect on 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
My prayer is that, I, Ashley will be patient. I will be kind. I will not envy. I will not boast. I will not be proud. I will not be rude or self-seeking. I will not be easily angered, and keep no record of wrongs. I pray that I will not delight in evil but rejoice in the truth. I pray I will always protect, always trust, always hope, and always persevere.
I have a long way to go. A LONG WAY, indeed! But that is my prayer for me and for you. True freedom doesn't rest in my perceived rights, but true freedom is a gift from God- a choice of love and forgiveness. Presently, a difficult choice for this ugly monster.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
Full Hearts
Tonight I have a very full heart. This weekend was by far one of the sweetest weekends I've had in a long time. I fumble to find the right words to adequately express my appreciation and would say it is nearly impossible. However, I am trying a new philosophy- I'm working on not accepting defeat prior to attempting a challenge. With that said, I will attempt to express my heart.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
James and I traveled to St. Louis this past weekend. We made the trek back to Missouri as I was to be the guest of honor at a baby shower thrown by two of my cousins and one of my aunts. We left after James' workday on Friday and arrived at my aunt and uncle's just in time to say goodnight to everybody before turning in ourselves. It was a full house with our wonderful hosts- my Aunt Jan and Uncle Bob, their granddaughter- Makayla, my grandma-Mimi, my Aunt Ann, my mom, James and me... it already felt like a party:)
After a much needed night of rest we awoke to my Aunt Jan and Uncle Bob's first class hospitality. My Mimi even remarked that this is her favorite "hotel" to stay at- I definitely think she's on to something. I think being pregnant won me extra special treatment, but I also had the opportunity to live with my aunt and uncle when I was freshly graduated from college and not much has changed. They're still great hosts- delicious food, great conversation and cozy lodging. Uncle Bob fixed breakfast for us before I was sent away to allow for party prep and a bit of a surprise for me.
My mom, my Aunt Ann, my cousin Laura and I hit the mall with a mission of manicures and pedicures. James headed across town to his parents' home. He was able to spend the afternoon with his grandpa and brother, time I know he really enjoyed. The pedicures were wonderful and a very welcomed treat. There is something about not being able to paint your own toenails that makes the work of a professional that much better.
After our outing, we arrived back at my Aunt Jan's to find a party in the making. The Lion King soundtrack was playing and my family was beginning to arrive. I also spied two beautiful cakes, one made of flour and the other of diapers and a pile of gifts wrapped in soft shades of blue and green- all this for me and my baby boy!
I rushed upstairs to freshen up, check that my make-up was still holding strong (sometimes that's all a pregnant girl can control...) , that my hair wasn't too frizzy after being out in the rain and that there wasn't anything stuck in my teeth- that would have been very embarrassing. When I finished and went back downstairs, all the guests had arrived and I was surrounded by my sweet family.
The first order of business for me was to grab a snack. I was hungry and there were delicious treats to be had! I really enjoyed the fresh fruit and sandwiches, but my very favorite was the punch that was served! It is the punch my Aunt Debbie makes almost every Christmas Eve and her daughter, Sara made it for the shower. Something about this punch makes me think- special celebration.
After everyone noshed a bit, we played a shower game. I think there must be something about me, showers and toilet paper. (At my bridal shower we made toilet paper veils.)
This was not as pretty of an endeavor. This was the game where you guess how many squares of toilet paper it would take to go around my belly. Can you believe I was the only one who guessed right? And my guess was the very least of all! Some people pulled out nearly twice as much as necessary! Sheesh, I must look really BIG! I know it was all in good fun so I didn't get too bent out of shape.
Next was time for gifts. I was tickled to have the assistance of my tiny cousin, Makayla. She was so sweet and patient throughout the entire shower. At one point she wondered aloud to me why would Cappy want to miss out on all the fun...? (Cappy is her grandpa, my Uncle Bob) Moments later she determined there weren't any other boys at the party and that was probably why Cappy was absent. She sat like a little lady enjoying her snacks and then offered much needed help to unwrap the gifts. Her enthusiasm for presents made it all the more exciting!
It is kind of crazy all the stuff that a baby requires. We were showered with so many wonderful gifts, things that we think might be "needed" and then other things that were just incredibly adorable, I'm partial to the adorable items, but no less thankful for the "essentials." James and I are overwhelmed with the generosity of our family and friends. Dare I say, we are actually starting to feel prepared.
I've rarely felt so special, cherished and loved as I did this past Saturday. Maybe it's just my pregnant hormones, but the sense of gratitude overwhelms me and causes tears to flood my eyes. It was a small, intimate gathering. Both soon-to-be grandmas were in attendance, as well as two soon-to-be great-grandmas, aunts, and cousins.
After gifts we enjoyed the adorable cake and of course more punch. It was nice sitting around talking to my cousins about all the things that await James and me in the next few weeks, months and years. They have been so kind and supportive. It's nice to hear their wisdom and experiences and see their sweet kiddos and observe their success. My cousin Mallory even said she didn't mind changing diapers. (I'm going to keep that in mind...)
The shower ended and many goodbyes were said. It was such a treat to see our family and celebrate this new little life. The men then joined the ladies that remained for pizza and more fun. My cousins' little boys were showing off new walking skills and adept stair maneuvering with great big grins of pride. I think the captive audience and rounds of cheers were great motivation.
The party eventually did break up. After dropping off her little ones at home, my cousin, Meghan, made a return trip to the party. She did not return empty handed. In fact, she came bearing even more gifts. Baby gear, mommy gear and tiny baby boy's clothes to boot! James and I marvel in the generosity of our family and can't help but think our little boy is arriving at the perfect time.
With the ever growing amount of loot we were receiving, James and I did our best to consolidate that evening. We then stayed up and watched a few episodes of Two Fat Ladies with my aunt and uncle. Aunt Jan and I discussed education and my Uncle Bob impressed my husband with his high tech gadgets. It was so nice getting to catch up with them. It reminded me of when I lived with them so many years ago, this time James was along for the ride. I was excited he was getting a chance to get to know them better and see how great they are.
Once the last episode of Two Fat ladies ended and some very strange cooking show (the hostess had electric green eye shadow and nails and was using some pretty silly slang) began to play, it was time for bed. I think I passed out as soon as my head hit the pillow.
My family gathered one last time for breakfast the next morning. James and I got up extra early to pack our car and clear the table for the meal. Our car was nearly packed to overflowing by the time James and Uncle Bob finished. My uncle had made these amazing cinnamon cream cheese souffles. I have already ordered the cookbook so I can attempt to recreate the gooey goodness.
As the morning was wrapping up my cousin, Sara, pulls out even more baby love. Tons of baby boy clothes and toys! We sorted through the toys and I asked plenty of questions. Up until that point, I really hadn't given toys too much thought. Sara's son, Cooper, demonstrated how to use several of the toys. He was a pro- and one would expect him to be as they were once his toys. It was fun to see him enjoy them and think about how soon my little boy would be learning the ends and outs of these toys and that he, too, will one day be a pro.
We said goodbye to our family, packed the last of the toys into our car and before leaving St. Louis, visited James' mom and dad. We had lunch with them and James' brother, David. Cheryl and I gave a recap of the shower to the guys and James shared stories his grandpa had told him the day before. There was a growing excitement at lunch as we look forward to the newest addition to the Peppers family.
James and I hit the road shortly thereafter. The car ride gave us time to reflect on our blessings- the family God has given us, their kindness and generosity, the family we are growing, how we wish to share such kindness and generosity with him, God's amazing and faithful provision for our lives. He gives good gifts! We have full hearts today from the love we received this weekend. Thank you so much! Words don't do our gratitude justice, but I sure wanted to attempt to share our thankfulness.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
James and I traveled to St. Louis this past weekend. We made the trek back to Missouri as I was to be the guest of honor at a baby shower thrown by two of my cousins and one of my aunts. We left after James' workday on Friday and arrived at my aunt and uncle's just in time to say goodnight to everybody before turning in ourselves. It was a full house with our wonderful hosts- my Aunt Jan and Uncle Bob, their granddaughter- Makayla, my grandma-Mimi, my Aunt Ann, my mom, James and me... it already felt like a party:)
After a much needed night of rest we awoke to my Aunt Jan and Uncle Bob's first class hospitality. My Mimi even remarked that this is her favorite "hotel" to stay at- I definitely think she's on to something. I think being pregnant won me extra special treatment, but I also had the opportunity to live with my aunt and uncle when I was freshly graduated from college and not much has changed. They're still great hosts- delicious food, great conversation and cozy lodging. Uncle Bob fixed breakfast for us before I was sent away to allow for party prep and a bit of a surprise for me.
My mom, my Aunt Ann, my cousin Laura and I hit the mall with a mission of manicures and pedicures. James headed across town to his parents' home. He was able to spend the afternoon with his grandpa and brother, time I know he really enjoyed. The pedicures were wonderful and a very welcomed treat. There is something about not being able to paint your own toenails that makes the work of a professional that much better.
After our outing, we arrived back at my Aunt Jan's to find a party in the making. The Lion King soundtrack was playing and my family was beginning to arrive. I also spied two beautiful cakes, one made of flour and the other of diapers and a pile of gifts wrapped in soft shades of blue and green- all this for me and my baby boy!
 |
| The delicious cake to eat and the adorable diaper cake- it is my understanding that hopefully those diapers can last us through the first week! Hopefully. Who knew baby's pooped that much! |
I rushed upstairs to freshen up, check that my make-up was still holding strong (sometimes that's all a pregnant girl can control...) , that my hair wasn't too frizzy after being out in the rain and that there wasn't anything stuck in my teeth- that would have been very embarrassing. When I finished and went back downstairs, all the guests had arrived and I was surrounded by my sweet family.
The first order of business for me was to grab a snack. I was hungry and there were delicious treats to be had! I really enjoyed the fresh fruit and sandwiches, but my very favorite was the punch that was served! It is the punch my Aunt Debbie makes almost every Christmas Eve and her daughter, Sara made it for the shower. Something about this punch makes me think- special celebration.
After everyone noshed a bit, we played a shower game. I think there must be something about me, showers and toilet paper. (At my bridal shower we made toilet paper veils.)
 |
| My bridal shower. Toilet paper hi-jinks! Enjoying a considerably smaller waist that day :) |
This was not as pretty of an endeavor. This was the game where you guess how many squares of toilet paper it would take to go around my belly. Can you believe I was the only one who guessed right? And my guess was the very least of all! Some people pulled out nearly twice as much as necessary! Sheesh, I must look really BIG! I know it was all in good fun so I didn't get too bent out of shape.
Next was time for gifts. I was tickled to have the assistance of my tiny cousin, Makayla. She was so sweet and patient throughout the entire shower. At one point she wondered aloud to me why would Cappy want to miss out on all the fun...? (Cappy is her grandpa, my Uncle Bob) Moments later she determined there weren't any other boys at the party and that was probably why Cappy was absent. She sat like a little lady enjoying her snacks and then offered much needed help to unwrap the gifts. Her enthusiasm for presents made it all the more exciting!
It is kind of crazy all the stuff that a baby requires. We were showered with so many wonderful gifts, things that we think might be "needed" and then other things that were just incredibly adorable, I'm partial to the adorable items, but no less thankful for the "essentials." James and I are overwhelmed with the generosity of our family and friends. Dare I say, we are actually starting to feel prepared.
I've rarely felt so special, cherished and loved as I did this past Saturday. Maybe it's just my pregnant hormones, but the sense of gratitude overwhelms me and causes tears to flood my eyes. It was a small, intimate gathering. Both soon-to-be grandmas were in attendance, as well as two soon-to-be great-grandmas, aunts, and cousins.
After gifts we enjoyed the adorable cake and of course more punch. It was nice sitting around talking to my cousins about all the things that await James and me in the next few weeks, months and years. They have been so kind and supportive. It's nice to hear their wisdom and experiences and see their sweet kiddos and observe their success. My cousin Mallory even said she didn't mind changing diapers. (I'm going to keep that in mind...)
The shower ended and many goodbyes were said. It was such a treat to see our family and celebrate this new little life. The men then joined the ladies that remained for pizza and more fun. My cousins' little boys were showing off new walking skills and adept stair maneuvering with great big grins of pride. I think the captive audience and rounds of cheers were great motivation.
The party eventually did break up. After dropping off her little ones at home, my cousin, Meghan, made a return trip to the party. She did not return empty handed. In fact, she came bearing even more gifts. Baby gear, mommy gear and tiny baby boy's clothes to boot! James and I marvel in the generosity of our family and can't help but think our little boy is arriving at the perfect time.
With the ever growing amount of loot we were receiving, James and I did our best to consolidate that evening. We then stayed up and watched a few episodes of Two Fat Ladies with my aunt and uncle. Aunt Jan and I discussed education and my Uncle Bob impressed my husband with his high tech gadgets. It was so nice getting to catch up with them. It reminded me of when I lived with them so many years ago, this time James was along for the ride. I was excited he was getting a chance to get to know them better and see how great they are.
Once the last episode of Two Fat ladies ended and some very strange cooking show (the hostess had electric green eye shadow and nails and was using some pretty silly slang) began to play, it was time for bed. I think I passed out as soon as my head hit the pillow.
My family gathered one last time for breakfast the next morning. James and I got up extra early to pack our car and clear the table for the meal. Our car was nearly packed to overflowing by the time James and Uncle Bob finished. My uncle had made these amazing cinnamon cream cheese souffles. I have already ordered the cookbook so I can attempt to recreate the gooey goodness.
As the morning was wrapping up my cousin, Sara, pulls out even more baby love. Tons of baby boy clothes and toys! We sorted through the toys and I asked plenty of questions. Up until that point, I really hadn't given toys too much thought. Sara's son, Cooper, demonstrated how to use several of the toys. He was a pro- and one would expect him to be as they were once his toys. It was fun to see him enjoy them and think about how soon my little boy would be learning the ends and outs of these toys and that he, too, will one day be a pro.
We said goodbye to our family, packed the last of the toys into our car and before leaving St. Louis, visited James' mom and dad. We had lunch with them and James' brother, David. Cheryl and I gave a recap of the shower to the guys and James shared stories his grandpa had told him the day before. There was a growing excitement at lunch as we look forward to the newest addition to the Peppers family.
James and I hit the road shortly thereafter. The car ride gave us time to reflect on our blessings- the family God has given us, their kindness and generosity, the family we are growing, how we wish to share such kindness and generosity with him, God's amazing and faithful provision for our lives. He gives good gifts! We have full hearts today from the love we received this weekend. Thank you so much! Words don't do our gratitude justice, but I sure wanted to attempt to share our thankfulness.
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