I have a confession to make. I share this believing that I am not alone. On the contrary, it is my belief that many can probably relate, all too well.
In the midst of this time of great blessing James and I find ourselves feeling very overwhelmed. So overwhelmed, in fact, that we have been struggling. The word James used to describe this sensation was "drowning." I have many words I use to attempt to convey my frustration, but tears generally muffle the words.
Picture an overworked, exhausted husband whose number one desire, above anything else, is sleep. He's a mere 28 years old but often says he feels like he's middle aged. He works 80+ hours a week. On top of his daily work responsibilities he feels the weight of his job pushing him to read the most up to date medical journal articles so he can practice the most current evidence based medicine. He also has a test date that looms in the near future. The all important Step 3 Licensure Examination. He knows it will be critical to brush up on all subject matter that will be covered so he can perform as well as he has on Step 1 and Step 2. This busy man isn't alone. He is married to an increasingly pregnant woman. Day by day she meets new limitations as her body restricts her from doing things she once did with ease. This man loves his wife and he longs to contribute to their home. He is just spent. Raw and, at times, on edge. She is, too. While he gets his precious sleep (4-5 hours a night) she tosses and turns as the busy baby kicks, her tired husband snores, and her body aches. She hopes she, too, will get 4-5 hours of sleep sometime that day. These two are a scary combination. Both physically and emotionally exhausted and in the middle of a trial. In need of great grace.
That's a glimpse into our current home life. It's tough. We are so blessed with so many gifts, and yet, we are often reaching the limit of our personal strength. The demands of our daily lives are growing. We wonder if we can stretch to meet them.
I am reminded of Paul in 2 Corinthians 12. I am reminded that in my weakness, Christ's strength is made perfect. In James' weakness, Christ's strength is perfected. God's grace is sufficient. Could we ask for a better more powerful strength to hold us together? Even at my best, my perfect strength pales in comparison to the perfect power of our God. WOW! What a sweet, sweet gift!
That is our prayer- that God will be powerful in our weakness. That we will allow Him to work in our lives. I think James and I believe that our God is more than capable of taking all of our trials and struggles from us and yet, we both know He allows them to shape us. These trials, however big or small, have the power to form us into the people He desires us to be; the doctor, the nurse, the spouse, the child, the sibling, the friend, the neighbor, the parent we are called to be.
These trials also offer us a unique opportunity to display humility. We confess our weakness and call out to God for His help. His provision, just like His power, is perfect. We are amazed at how he provides and blessed beyond words.
Enter our family.
James and I are both blessed with loving parents, caring brothers, and an amazing sister-in-law. Their encouragement and support have been priceless. It means so much to pick up the phone and hear their kind voices, to know they are excited about our lives and believe in us, even if we don't always believe in ourselves. Recently their support has extended beyond the phone.
This last weekend James' parents, James, Sr. and Cheryl, visited us in Indianapolis. Their visit was just what we needed. We finally got the Christmas tree taken down and put into storage. Our carpets were cleaned, drapes hung. Our home experienced a bit of a face-lift. All the while, I sat watching (they didn't want me to have to lift a finger) and James slept (he had just gotten off a 30 hour shift.) We were humbled and blessed by their love and service. Again, a bright grin stretches across James' face as he pulls the curtains open and lets the sunshine in.
Two days later I received a package in the mail. My mom has graciously donated a few of her long flowing skirts to my cause. They will stretch and will never be the same, thus they have been sacrificed to the ever growing bump. The package didn't only contain the two skirts but gobs of other options to fit my changing shape. A grin stretched across my face as I pulled on clothes that made me feel pretty and comfortable, again.
My mom and dad will be visiting next month. James' parents will likely return to help with the nursery. I've had so many cousins offer to share their hand-me-downs and baby gear with baby Peppers.
While I believe God could have sent us a package directly from Heaven with all the things we needed, His ways are different, perfect. He uses the body of Christ. He uses our family and friends to demonstrate His love for us. And the really cool thing is it causes us to feel closer to our family. It offers a specific way for them to minister to us and show us love. It also makes us sensitive to others who may, too, find themselves in need.
We are so blessed by our family. We are blessed by our God. We will continue to embrace our struggles and eagerly await God's perfect provision! Maybe we will even be part of others' provision!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
My Husband, The Hero!
I've decided to share a story with our family and friends because it's likely James won't. If you read the title of the post and threw up a little in your mouth, I apologize... kinda. I don't want to be one of those people who is unbearable to listen to because they seem to brag all the time, and yet, I want to share the amazing things God does in our lives. Because God is so good to us!
Before I begin the story, I'd like to mention a conversation I had recently with a friend who is also expecting a baby boy late this spring. We were discussing what it meant to raise a boy into a man, how that might look, and how we as women might foster an environment to nurture our sons' unique dreams and spirits. She had heard a radio show where a woman spoke of this very topic. She said her grade-school age son was very interested in super heroes. She decided she would start asking her son, "What are you going to do to be a hero, today?" The woman shared that this had provided many opportunities for her and her son to demonstrate love and care for those in need. After hearing this, I thought I could see myself and a little boy in a cape running to those in need of rescue, or at least finding ways to share love and offer help... This reminded me of something I had seen...What was it....?
My husband! He's been playing a super hero for years! He has since lost the cape, but he is no less impressive, if I do say so myself. I'm so excited my son will have such a wonderful concrete example of a hero in his life. This brings me to my story...
The other day when James arrived home after being on call overnight for a 30 hour shift, he was bouncing off the walls. This is highly unusual. He is usually stumbling over his own feet and needs assistance to carry him upstairs and into bed. (I use the word assistance liberally. I generally am only capable of providing my hubby with lots of verbal encouragement and support to conquer the stairs. If he looked to me for physical assistance, we'd both end up in a heap at the bottom of the steps...) Anyway, we was very excited!
Our normal post-call procedure is to greet each other at the door. He then proceeds to the dining room table where I feed him a small snack before he heads upstairs for an afternoon nap. While he eats his snack, he shares a few of the highlights from his evening at the hospital. Depending on how the shift played out, this can be a time for James to vent, or a time to tell colorful tales of the characters he's encountered, sometimes it's even a time to share sadness and grief. It's not uncommon for me to feel the weight of James responsibilities during this brief tête-à-tête. James is rarely very animated as he recounts his last 30 hours.
[Please keep in mind that while I tell the story, I may not be 100% accurate on hospital happenings, but this is my understanding as the spouse of a resident. It is greatly simplified and hopefully clear enough to make sense.]
While a resident is on call overnight they have many responsibilities. These vary depending on what sort of service they are currently assigned to for the given 4-week rotation. However, there is one constant responsibility ALL on call residents share. They must respond to codes. A code is called when life-saving measures are required urgently and many health care providers rush to the sick patient's room to provide intervention. These are a common event in a hospital caring for very sick patients.
The other night, while on call, James responded to a code. It just so happens that earlier that day he had sat in on a refresher course on ACLS (Advanced Cardiac Life Support.) They went over using specific technology and reviewed algorithms for treating specific situations. While en route to the room where the code was taking place, he ran into an intern level resident. James took the opportunity to talk with her and asked, "What's the most important thing you want to know in a code?" She thought on it but wasn't certain. James responded, "You want to know the rhythm." He explained to me later that knowing the heart's rhythm is the first step in using an algorithm. Without that basic knowledge, it's tough to know how to proceed.
Upon arriving in the room, he asked that very question. Those previously present, running the code, did not know the answer. They were proceeding with ACLS, but without that knowledge it must have been tough to know what to do. The patient wasn't hooked up to leads or a monitor so there was no reading on the rhythm. Fortunately, James had just had the refresher course and knew how to use the equipment they had available to them. He was able to share the knowledge with others and they were able to accurately access the situation and provide the specific intervention needed to return a pulse to the patient, effectively saving his life.
James is quick to share that this is just what is expected of him, and that it was fortunate that he had just been refreshed on such things. And I know it is, but I am still so proud of him. He would also share that while they were able to intervene, such measures are extreme and it's really hard to know how well a patient would fair after receiving such aggressive treatment.
When he shared his story with me his arms were flying about with large gestures and his voice would rise and fall with excitement. I love these moments. They make the stressful hours and demands of residency seem worth the sacrifice.
It wasn't seconds after he finished his story that he nearly passed out in his bowl of soup. It must have taken all the spare energy he had to give such a spirited rendition of the night's events. I had to provide my usual "assistance" to get him up into bed for his nap.
I'm thankful for his triumphs in medicine. I'm thankful to hear when James is able to discharge a patient from the hospital, or when one of his regular clinic patients decides to stop smoking or has successfully lost weight. I live for those stories. It makes the sickness, the sadness, and the death that so often accompany a career in medicine a little more bearable.
I'm proud of my husband, the hero!
Before I begin the story, I'd like to mention a conversation I had recently with a friend who is also expecting a baby boy late this spring. We were discussing what it meant to raise a boy into a man, how that might look, and how we as women might foster an environment to nurture our sons' unique dreams and spirits. She had heard a radio show where a woman spoke of this very topic. She said her grade-school age son was very interested in super heroes. She decided she would start asking her son, "What are you going to do to be a hero, today?" The woman shared that this had provided many opportunities for her and her son to demonstrate love and care for those in need. After hearing this, I thought I could see myself and a little boy in a cape running to those in need of rescue, or at least finding ways to share love and offer help... This reminded me of something I had seen...What was it....?
 | |
| This is the only picture I could find, but I'm nearly certain this is not the only proof that exists. James is holding his baby brother, David, and while that is sweet, that's not why I chose this image. Notice the diaper pin securing a |
The other day when James arrived home after being on call overnight for a 30 hour shift, he was bouncing off the walls. This is highly unusual. He is usually stumbling over his own feet and needs assistance to carry him upstairs and into bed. (I use the word assistance liberally. I generally am only capable of providing my hubby with lots of verbal encouragement and support to conquer the stairs. If he looked to me for physical assistance, we'd both end up in a heap at the bottom of the steps...) Anyway, we was very excited!
Our normal post-call procedure is to greet each other at the door. He then proceeds to the dining room table where I feed him a small snack before he heads upstairs for an afternoon nap. While he eats his snack, he shares a few of the highlights from his evening at the hospital. Depending on how the shift played out, this can be a time for James to vent, or a time to tell colorful tales of the characters he's encountered, sometimes it's even a time to share sadness and grief. It's not uncommon for me to feel the weight of James responsibilities during this brief tête-à-tête. James is rarely very animated as he recounts his last 30 hours.
[Please keep in mind that while I tell the story, I may not be 100% accurate on hospital happenings, but this is my understanding as the spouse of a resident. It is greatly simplified and hopefully clear enough to make sense.]
While a resident is on call overnight they have many responsibilities. These vary depending on what sort of service they are currently assigned to for the given 4-week rotation. However, there is one constant responsibility ALL on call residents share. They must respond to codes. A code is called when life-saving measures are required urgently and many health care providers rush to the sick patient's room to provide intervention. These are a common event in a hospital caring for very sick patients.
The other night, while on call, James responded to a code. It just so happens that earlier that day he had sat in on a refresher course on ACLS (Advanced Cardiac Life Support.) They went over using specific technology and reviewed algorithms for treating specific situations. While en route to the room where the code was taking place, he ran into an intern level resident. James took the opportunity to talk with her and asked, "What's the most important thing you want to know in a code?" She thought on it but wasn't certain. James responded, "You want to know the rhythm." He explained to me later that knowing the heart's rhythm is the first step in using an algorithm. Without that basic knowledge, it's tough to know how to proceed.
Upon arriving in the room, he asked that very question. Those previously present, running the code, did not know the answer. They were proceeding with ACLS, but without that knowledge it must have been tough to know what to do. The patient wasn't hooked up to leads or a monitor so there was no reading on the rhythm. Fortunately, James had just had the refresher course and knew how to use the equipment they had available to them. He was able to share the knowledge with others and they were able to accurately access the situation and provide the specific intervention needed to return a pulse to the patient, effectively saving his life.
James is quick to share that this is just what is expected of him, and that it was fortunate that he had just been refreshed on such things. And I know it is, but I am still so proud of him. He would also share that while they were able to intervene, such measures are extreme and it's really hard to know how well a patient would fair after receiving such aggressive treatment.
When he shared his story with me his arms were flying about with large gestures and his voice would rise and fall with excitement. I love these moments. They make the stressful hours and demands of residency seem worth the sacrifice.
It wasn't seconds after he finished his story that he nearly passed out in his bowl of soup. It must have taken all the spare energy he had to give such a spirited rendition of the night's events. I had to provide my usual "assistance" to get him up into bed for his nap.
I'm thankful for his triumphs in medicine. I'm thankful to hear when James is able to discharge a patient from the hospital, or when one of his regular clinic patients decides to stop smoking or has successfully lost weight. I live for those stories. It makes the sickness, the sadness, and the death that so often accompany a career in medicine a little more bearable.
I'm proud of my husband, the hero!
Monday, March 7, 2011
Currently Craving...
It should come as no surprise that I find myself experiencing cravings for specific foods. I've heard about this aspect of pregnancy for ages. Generally, when I hear stories, I hear the most wild combination, you know, pickles and peanut butter, gross stuff. I can't say that I have EVER thought that sounded good, especially right now. There are a few repeat offenders as of late; things I can't seem to get enough to of. Some of my current favorites include:
I almost forgot a final guilty indulgence... James was certain to remind me of it...
Dunkin' Donuts!
MANGOES!!
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| I love 'em! I can't get enough of them. But, at $1.50 a pop, I limit my weekly intake to only a few. |
Another recent favorite, Dr. Pepper.
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| It's slightly ironic that I've NEVER liked Dr. Pepper before now. Baylor used to have weekly Dr. Pepper Hour, it never tempted me. I married Mr. Pibb's foe, for goodness' sake, but still didn't like the soft drink...until now! It's wonderful! Not to worry, I don't go too crazy with this caffeinated beverage. But, my doctor has advised me to drink caffeine to hopefully prevent some of the headaches I've been experiencing during pregnancy. |
Another weakness is an Arby's Roast Beef Sandwich.
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| Delicious! I think I could eat this for every meal if I let myself. I don't, though. |
But don't fear, it's not all junk. I'm also feasting on broccoli!
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| I'd never have imagined frantically looking through our fridge for the broccoli, but I have. We were out and I was heartbroken. It required a late night run to the super market. Who would have thought? |
And I LOVE Golden Delicious Apples!
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| I love apples! I always have. I can't wait for the local farmers market late this summer when I can indulge my love for apples. They have so many delicious varieties I've never heard of before. Until then, I'm quite happy with a juicy golden delicious! This is probably my favorite treat! |
I almost forgot a final guilty indulgence... James was certain to remind me of it...
Dunkin' Donuts!
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| Not to worry, we don't frequent Dunkin' Donuts too often. But when we do, my favorites include the classic glazed donut and the fancier strawberry frosted donut. |
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Six Months Pregnant
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| Trying to be a good sport while James takes a picture of my 25 week belly. |
We are just a few short months away from meeting our little boy. I'm 25 weeks and 3 days today. 14 weeks remain...or 15, or 16... We're not in any hurry and would like him to be fully cooked, "well done" before we meet him. While he is considered viable, if he were born today, he would likely need much assistance and spend his first few months in the hospital. This is a scenario we greatly hope to avoid. We're shooting for 40 good weeks!
The last few weeks haven't passed without event. The greatly anticipated moment of "quickening" has occurred. This is when you are able to feel your baby move. In some cultures, they believe this is the moment the baby receives it's soul. James and I don't believe that, but this little soul has started making his presence known more and more. At first it started out with a single nudge or a lone kick. It has progressed to a movement on one side of my belly followed by a busy movement all the way on the other side. There are days I wish I had a window so I could see what the heck he was doing to cause all that commotion. At times I truly feel like Santa Claus because my belly literally shakes "like a bowl full of jelly!" He's kind of wild. I find he is most active when I watch Fox News, or during a good snack, or right when I decide to lay down and go to bed. He also perks up when James walks in the door. I'm not sure if it's because he hears what's going on outside and responds to it or if he is responding to my physiology. Either way, he's letting me know, I'm no longer alone.
Recently, James was able to feel him moving around, too. I was so excited to finally be able to share the crazy movements of our little boy with his daddy. I think James was pretty excited, too. We are both amazed by how entertaining it is to sit and chat with him and watch him move.
We can't wait to hold this squirmy little guy in our arms. But we hope we get to wait until June. Until then, we'll enjoy his lively presence tucked away just inside my belly!
Friday, March 4, 2011
Nursery Inspiration
Now that we know we are expecting a little boy to join our family this June, James and I are beginning to brainstorm what this little guy's room will look like. James was a boy scout and very much interested in the outdoors and nature when he was younger, and even still today. I was never as much into wildlife as I was pretty dresses and baby dolls, but my father and brothers are definitely man's men. I'm taking a cue from the male influences in my life as I hope to create a space to foster an imaginative little boy's wild heart. (I also want it to be a comfortable space that I enjoy, since I'm imagining I will be spending plenty of time in there, too.) Here are a few things that are currently influencing me.
More trees
I also adore this mobile:
I love this nursery, though it was created for a baby girl. The shiny antlers and fun striped ceiling really caught my eye.
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| from Project Nursery |
I also really liked this. I believe it's made from vintage wallpaper. I'm very fond of the animal artwork.
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| also from Project Nursery |
Another inspiring nursery with an animal mural.
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| from Project Nursery |
Apart from the animal artwork, I'm also quite fond of stripes. Also, we are planning on keeping our zebra rug in the nursery. We may think differently when we are faced with the reality of a poopy diaper.
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| from Project Nursery |
More stripes, this time with color!
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| from Project Nursery |
More stripes
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| yet again, from Project Nursery |
I really loved these, but I think the overall effect is more feminine than what I'll be going for. Maybe for our daughter, one day...
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| from Project Nursery |
Nature Murals
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| You guessed it, from Project Nursery |
More trees
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| from Project Nursery |
I also adore this mobile:
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| from Project Nursery |
James and I have already made a few purchases and decisions for our son's room:
We chose these crib sheets. Blue is supposed to be a calming, peaceful color. We also invested in wooden blocks. James insists that little people love to have things to stack. He would know since he sees them daily. Finally, I chose to include a paper mache giraffe bust. This is a reference to my dad, who loves to decorate with animals.
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| from Serena and Lily |
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| from anthropologie |
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| from anthropologie |
Monday, February 28, 2011
Life Change, Heart Change
As James and I prepare for this exciting new stage of life, it has caused me to become reflective. I have become acutely aware of things I hadn't bothered to observe before now, and in some cases, things I've tried very hard to ignore. I think about what kind of a parent I want to be and what it will look like. I wonder how to raise our son to be a strong, confident, loving, and compassionate individual. It has occurred to me time and time again that unless both James and I display such attributes it will be a challenge to effectively instill these in him.
I admire my husband so much and think he dynamically displays strength, confidence, love and compassion daily. He generously cares for me and others. I know James would likely say he still has room for growth, but I think he is off to a wonderful start.
I, on the other hand, struggle to display these. I desire to be strong. I desire to be confident. I desire to be loving and compassionate. I trust God knows my heart and hears me when I ask Him to show me how. But it is no easy feat and I will need His grace to get me there. You see, my strength is fickle. I harbor a great deal of self doubt. My confidence is easily shaken due to said doubt and the tendency to look for my confidence in fleeting things. My love is easily tested. I can love the lovable with great fervor and wild extravagance. I, shamefully, struggle to love when it becomes difficult. I am compassionate. Praise God, He gave me a tender heart. I want to work on demonstrating that compassion more freely.
I feel I have so many things to accomplish before I meet my son. It is overwhelming, and yet, I am reminded that God doesn't put anything before me that I am not capable of doing, by His grace. I believe the things I desire to model are things God desires me to be, as well. He's calling me out to be more. I'm excited about it. Nervous, but so excited!
One step I have taken is to begin to address my insecurities. They are many, and as time progresses I'm finding they run deeper than I'd ever have imagined. The best way I know to confront these is to head directly to the word of God. His Word is truth. It is powerful and healing. I also look to the wisdom of others. I am currently reading Beth Moore's, So Long Insecurity. I'm thankful for others that God speaks to and through. I'll be excited to share as God illuminates truth in my life.
I admire my husband so much and think he dynamically displays strength, confidence, love and compassion daily. He generously cares for me and others. I know James would likely say he still has room for growth, but I think he is off to a wonderful start.
I, on the other hand, struggle to display these. I desire to be strong. I desire to be confident. I desire to be loving and compassionate. I trust God knows my heart and hears me when I ask Him to show me how. But it is no easy feat and I will need His grace to get me there. You see, my strength is fickle. I harbor a great deal of self doubt. My confidence is easily shaken due to said doubt and the tendency to look for my confidence in fleeting things. My love is easily tested. I can love the lovable with great fervor and wild extravagance. I, shamefully, struggle to love when it becomes difficult. I am compassionate. Praise God, He gave me a tender heart. I want to work on demonstrating that compassion more freely.
I feel I have so many things to accomplish before I meet my son. It is overwhelming, and yet, I am reminded that God doesn't put anything before me that I am not capable of doing, by His grace. I believe the things I desire to model are things God desires me to be, as well. He's calling me out to be more. I'm excited about it. Nervous, but so excited!
One step I have taken is to begin to address my insecurities. They are many, and as time progresses I'm finding they run deeper than I'd ever have imagined. The best way I know to confront these is to head directly to the word of God. His Word is truth. It is powerful and healing. I also look to the wisdom of others. I am currently reading Beth Moore's, So Long Insecurity. I'm thankful for others that God speaks to and through. I'll be excited to share as God illuminates truth in my life.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Snips, Snails, and Puppy Dog Tails
I was awake nearly all night. It's hard to sleep when you know something big is supposed to take place the next morning. That, and our house was being pelted with freezing rain. It was this combination that caused great uncertainty. I was unsure if the doctor's office would still be open the next day after one of the largest storms of the year. Much to my surprise, when I awoke the next morning, I called the office to find out they were OPEN! Today was going to be the day!! James and I would get to see a long awaited glimpse of our tiny little baby. I think I was bouncing off the walls while I quickly dressed and downed several ounces of water. James, while excited, was very sleepy because I had been tossing and turning all night.
We set out early just in case the roads were bad. We were thankful they weren't. We then waited to be called back for our appointment. It took a very long time. I think they were short on technicians due to the inclement weather. Finally we were led back to the same dark exam room. It wasn't long before we were watching a bouncing baby kicking all around. I was amazed at how busy our baby was since I can not yet really feel anything consistently. We saw all the major organs and were so glad to hear all looked normal. The technician then moved down to the baby's legs. They were still fluttering about. She then paused the pictures to asked us what we thought. I was nearly certain of what I was seeing, but not sure. I then asked, "Are we having a boy?" Sure enough, we were watching our baby boy. James lit up. I've rarely seen him beam so brightly. From that moment on it was talk of names, college funds, you name it, James was thinking about it.
It's amazing how knowing the sex of the baby seems to make it even more real. All the dreams we have for our child take on new life. We can't wait to meet this little boy and get to know him.
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| Baby Boy Peppers |
We're having a baby boy!!!
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